Shock Defeat for South Bank

YORK, UK: THE CHINESE PHILOSOPHER, CONFUCIUS once said that a despotic leader is "crueler than a tiger". He obviously had not come across association football.

South Bank Utd suffered an unexpected defeat in their first game of the season, at the "tent" today, as they succumbed to a team of greater number. Without three main squad players, including one of the club's Swedish international stars, who were unable to play, South Bank were forced to field a side of only four men. They also took the potentially risky decision to put player/manager, MJ in as caretaker goalkeeper.

Before the match, acting captain, "Medway" was optimistic about the team's chances, suggesting that if South Bank snuck in an early goal, they could then shut up shop and clinch the game. Unfortunately this was not to be so. The playing conditions were undesirable to the South Bank team, who were unaware of the change of venue of today's event and were forced to rush onto the pitch fifteen minutes late, when discovering today's playing field. Mr. Dean, who is the usual goalkeeper for South Bank, cautioned the team that they should not take too much from today's result, as they were unusually understrenth. Indeed, when the team is back to full capacity, it should be confirmed that today's match will not set the precedent for the weeks to come.

There are several theories on how South Bank were beaten today. Some commentators believe that suspect Winter training schedules were a hindrance to some player's readiness. However, the league in which South Bank participates, enjoys the luxury not afforded to other professionals in the English game - a Winter recess. Others point to the usual slow build up of momentum that can halt some teams' progress in the early stages of the league. This perhaps was best shown by the number of the present South Bank faithful, supporting in the "tent" today, consisting of Mr. MDJ Barnard, honorary life chairman and leader of the supporters' club. There was a number of unnaffiliated interest in the stadium, with one disparaging remark directed towards MJ, suggesting that he does not look much like a goalkeeper.

After the match, MJ, gave the team bananas instead of the traditional quartered oranges, as part of a new dietry regime. Mr. MDJ Barnard met with MJ for discussions after the match in which he explained that "the team performed highly couragously considering the circumstances". MJ's managership of the club is my no means under threat, and Mr. MDJ Barnard suggested that MJ's role in today's game had been a "pious" one, in accordance with "God's will."